Memoirs of a Trichotillomaniac

Drawing the people of Facebook.

uhgggggggg

Did I mention I can art? My single talent. 

I feel like I haven’t been honest.

I’ve been in the hospital twice in the last 2 months for self harm and suicidal ideation; more details to come later, because right now, I’m still adjusting back into the real world.

It’s a long winding road that seems endless, but I know it goes somewhere worthwhile. 

I wish…

1. I could stay in bed all day
2. that when I go to sleep, I never wake up
3. people would stop judging me
4. that I can be known for who I am rather than ‘that kid with the dead sister’
5. I actually had a talent
6. my life were actually worth something
7. I were not so fucking depressed
8. I could see the bright side of things
9. I could actually get my school work done
10. I didn’t physically and mentally destroy myself
11. I had friends
12. I were normal
13. that phone calls didn’t freak me out
14. I were skinny
15. I were pretty
16. people would like me
17. I could eat what I wanted
18. my parents would love me
19. people would see my potential
20. I would die.

I am such an asshole of a blogger.

I post infrequently, and it’s kinda terrible. 

But the point of this post is to help out this lovely lady, Hayley.

She too has trich, and she is currently in an inpatient program for her psychological struggles. What I would love you guys to do is FLOOD HER INBOX (<—— oh hey look a link!) with lovely messages of SUPPORT. 

It will make her feel all nice and cuddly inside when she gets back <3

I seriously love the internet community. People always tell you not to talk to strangers online, but its seriously been the best decision of my life… ;)

Thank you,
~Kris
 

It seems as if

when the pulling gets better, the picking gets worse. I think its kind of funny that I feel comfortable publishing pictures of my bald head but feel embarrassed if I show anyone my bloody stump of a heel. Odd.

The first day of school was pretty great, by the way. Even though school adds an element of stress to my life, I need structure to be a functional human, and summer doesn’t provide that. Plus, its been a good pick-me-up because I get to see all my friends and I love learning as corny as that sounds. :)

~Kris 

OH YEAH…

and recently I hit 100 followers on tumblr. You guys are the sweetest, taking time to write me nice messages and ask of my advice. It’s funny to think that the strangers of the internet provide more support than your loved ones at home, but I’m so grateful to have all of you in my life.

We all struggle on a daily basis, whether it be minor struggles or the fight to find the will to keep on living. No one I know personally has trich/derm and its amazing how I have found such lovely people to talk to, some of them living at the other side of the globe. It really makes me realize how much of a community the internet is, despite the rude/hateful anons, ignorant comments, or petty fights.

We’re just one big, ol’ fucked up family here <3

Confused.

I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. A few days ago, my mom was carted off to the hospital because she couldn’t feel anything from her ribs down. For the last 12 years, she has been battling Lyme Disease, a disease which attacks your central nervous system and slows down all bodily functions. I feel so guilty, because I’ve spent all this time hating her, wishing she would die, and now she’s on the brink of death. I’m positive its my fault.

Also, I’ve started pulling from my eyebrows. The worst part is that my favorite facial feature is my eyebrows, because I have perfectly shaped them and they suit my face well. The are so very thin that I have to fill them in to make them look only sorta normal. For a while I thought I was doing so well, but the upcoming school year and my mother’s illness is dragging me down and making me pull more hair that ever before. It seems there is no hope left in the world.

xx 

Its so odd

but not unusual, the feelings of late night loneliness. You wake up at 8 in the morning, go about your daily tasks, regardless of its status of mundane or exciting. The night comes, and for a moment there, it seems to get better. You go out for dinner and a movie to catch up with a friend. The movie is brilliant. However, as soon as you drop off your friend, the exact moment they step out of your car, the loneliness sets in. Again, you are alone. There is nothing left to do except sleep, and the anxiety clouding your mind forbids rest. During the day, sleep is used as a refuge for the depressed. Its the only way that we can leave this world, yet still live because we are afraid of the unknown realm which is death. It’s like suicide without the commitment. But during the night, we are punished.
Perhaps you cry yourself to sleep tonight. Perhaps you do not sleep at all. The only thing we know for certain is that our lives are an endless cycle of good and bad things. Even the happiest of people are living day by day. However, they have the ability to cope, to accept that both before and after the dawn, there will always be darkness. They have the ability to see the light. I envy them greatly.

xx

Up all night

with flutters of anxiety. I’m going to school tomorrow for a meeting about my courses for next year with my guidance councilor. I am planning on taking Art III AP double credit because that was my reccomendation, however, I would love love love to take anatomy, but this would mean sacrificing the AP course for honours, and would no longer be a douvle credit class.
As someone who struggles with both depression and anxiety, I’m always being reminded to live in the present, not the past or future. I’m finding what should be a very simple task excruciatingly painful and difficult because everyone keeps reminding me that I have to focus on my academic future. The stigma surrounding mental health and the pressure cooker that is high school make for a toxic combanation.

xx