Memoirs of a Trichotillomaniac

Dunbar, Kristy. 5'0''. Dark brown hair. Dark brown eyes. Born in Vietnam, Currently resides on the American Eastern Seaboard. 15 years old. Artist. Cinematographer. Student. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Lover. Trichotillomaniac. Human.

The cycle continues

  • 1: Pull hair
  • 2: Stop pulling by starting to pick skin
  • 3: Stop picking skin by using expose therapy
  • 4: Have an OCD meltdown/episode due to exposure therapy
  • 5: Cry and become even more depressed
  • 6: Counteract depression by cutting
  • 7: Get caught cutting/people see the fresh cuts
  • 8: Get sent to a psychiatric ward
  • 9: Feel better
  • Repeat all steps until death do us part (mental illness and I, that is).

I just got a

haircut today and it’s even shorter than it was the first time. Con: it makes the bald spots even more pronounced. Pro: I haven’t pulled at all since getting it because it actually hurts now! Another con: although I’ve stopped pulling (for the moment at least) the compulsion to do it is definitely still there.
The bald patches are slowly sprouting hair and one thing I noticed is that the bald spots are more tan than the scalp that is covered by hair! That means if I ever get the ladyballs to shave my head, I will have random tan patches and the rest of my head will be stark white. Has anyone else experienced this before?
Overall, the mood has been good today; the haircut leaves me feeling more confident and tomorrow if the first day of the summer camp that I’ve worked at for the past 4 years. :]
xx

New bald patch

behind my right ear. Depression is eating away at me. I just don’t understand why this happens.

xx

So uh, this

thing happened where my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue. Kudos on your douchebaggery, man. Kudos to you.

Fuckity fuck.

xx

Uh, so why did you shave the top of your head?

—This one guy in my school who suspects that I did this, and I appreciate that he assumes that is something I would do on purpose :D

Pulling frenzy.

There is one girl in school who keeps telling me to take off my hat because it’s not allowed. This has been going on for the past 2 weeks or so. I tried to explain to her that it was a personal issue and I had gotten approval from the administrators to wear it, but she wouldn’t take it. I tried to explain to her that it was for medical reasons, but she wouldn’t take it. I tried explaining trich to her, and she told me “Why would you even do that, that’s not even a thing. You just want attention.”

She went so far as to take my hat from me.

I actually cried.

She actually laughed.

xx 

I only pulled

lile 15 hairs today. Mostly because I’m really depressed to the point where I’m essentially catatonic but it those rare moments of lucidity, I did not have a hair fit, which I guess is good enough for me.

xx

I feel so

incredibly low right now. I just want the world to stop right here in this moment: with me laying in my bed, curled up inside my best friend’s over-sized jacket while my eyes are closed. I want to sink into the sheets in hope that the bed might swallow me whole and I will disappear from my pitiful existance which barely qualifies as a life anyway.
xx